Who would guide you through hell?

If you were to take a modern day "tour" of hell, who would you choose to be your guide in the same sense that Virgil was Dante's guide in the Inferno? What person from culture or history, modern or past would you trust to guide you on this excursion through hell? most likely this is not a person who has been condemned to one of the lower rings of hell, but thats subjective. Please try to look at this personally, not theologically. For three last notes, the devil is in hell and wont guide you, Jesus is in heaven and has better things to do, and you are alive when this happens so it has nothing to do with the grim reaper.